I Remember, I Forget – Janette Freeman

Waking up doesn’t come with the big plan. It comes present moment by present moment, by present moment. Listen, watch, or read Janette Freeman’s talk titled “I Remember, I Forget”, as she closed out our April Series, “Awake.”

Transcript
This “talk” is electronically transcribed. Please excuse any errors or omissions.

Janette: What an honor to be in a community and sharing space with you, where I was just introduced by some amazing woman that invited you to take just as much responsibility for the message. I love that. And I’ve been excited to be here because I’ve been invited into a space of vulnerability and co-creation. So this kind of scared the shit out of me. It was like peppery. There’s no vulnerable, and I can peel away. So thank you for creating that space, that mindset, and I willingly dive deeply with you today. How many of you have noticed there’s something going on? Yeah? How many have noticed on this journey that you’re on in particular, that you have this amazing experience? Maybe when you’re here hearing a song like, I’m feeling good, and you really feel good. You got something going on inside, and all of a sudden out of the blue, you’re having insights or for no apparent reason a wave, a bliss washes over you. Or forgiveness happens.

Janette: And then five minutes later … Oh right, you know what I’m talking about. Five minutes later, you completely forget it. You’ve been swept into a rage or sadness. You’ve been swept into helplessness, desperateness. You forget completely who you are, in a moment before you thought you were in this like amazing one with God and the next minute you’re not even sure if you deserve to call somebody because you know who am I? I call it the “I forget, I remember.” “I forget, I remember.” And it’s this transformational phase, the in between stage, the chemicalization. It’s the chemicalization stage of this awakening process. And are fighting against the down here stage. Keeps us stuck, right? So the, I remember, I forget, I wanted to share a little bit. Is it okay if I … since I don’t really know you if I tell you a little bit about my journey.

Audience: Yeah.

Janette: So I was born … We have a couple of hours, right? Oh, seriously, I was born in long generational families of Mormons on both side. Polygamy, the whole thing Mormons raised in Utah. It was my box and my reality. And as a young woman, then I became what was expected of me, a Mormon housewife. And had three children. But deep, I always had a stirring. So that damn stirring, right? It just stirs and stirs and stirs. There must be more. There must be more. There must be more. This can’t be the only truth upon the face of the earth. And that led me into a beautiful co-creative experience of walking into a science of mind bookstore called the Positive Living Center. And when I found that teaching every part of me went, “Yes.”

Janette: I walked through that door and walked into that teaching. And of course it took me many, many, many years to get this vision of this old white man in the sky God. And to get that out of here, take a long time. But I went through that journey. Eventually I became a minister because it’s what I love more than anything else. And I wanted to teach that. And you can’t teach unless you learn. So I’ve been on this path. Have I remember, I forget. I want to understand, I’ve got to seek, and I did this. I don’t need to go into all of that detail, but throwing that I raised three kids as a single mom because oh, yeah, by the way being a Mormon housewife and then joining a religious science church was not a fit. Just saying.

Janette: So I went through that process of raising my kids as a single mom and always approaching it from this viewpoint of if I want my outer world to change, then I’ve got to work on this. So that’s been my journey. If I want an outer world to be a different reflection, what must I know and experience on the internal life, right? And so that journey of … It took me into ministry and did that for about 20 years. Now this is the little piece, back to this phase of transformation that we’re all in the “I remember, I forget” phase. Whenever we are in a time of tramp up transition, whenever we are in a time of transition, we are automatically triggered regularly into the fight or flight response. Okay. We are. We simply are, because everything that we have based a mental structure on my safety is triggered. And we go into this fight or flight mode on a consistent basis, right? How many of you have experienced any sort of transition in your life lately? And on the collective, this is exactly where we are.

Janette: The heat is turned up. So the heat is turned up and when the heat is turned up, everything that has been under the surface is coming up. And it’s coming up to be seen and healed and revealed, right? It’s the journey. So give your neighbor a high five and say, “Way to go. You are on the journey.”

Audience: Way to go. You are on the journey.

Janette: Yeah. It’s good. I remember, I forget. Yeah. Baby. Now, so two years ago I went on the next gorgeous picture of change. So fun. When you move from one stage of your life to something else, you don’t have the new thing yet Okay. So what it was for me was leaving pulpit ministry that I have done and known and got a paycheck for by the way, for 20 years to move back home to help care for my granddaughter. Because they really fricking needed me, and I love her more than anything, right? Because her name is [inaudible 00:08:13]. Now, so I went back and decided to co-create something new and knowing that the spirit was going to move through me to create ministry in another way, and that was going to be very cool and wonderful. But through that period, and it was about a year and a half ago, two years ago, it gave that wonderful opportunity to go through the fight or flight mode more than normal.

Janette: And spirit blessed me with a little bit of something, something that I want to share with you today that has been a wonderful tool on this journey. Would that be all right if I share that. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be your tool, but it’s been so transformational. Kind of like throwing a life jacket to me when I felt like the wave kept hitting. The wave kept hitting. I’m here for you God, I’m here for you God. I’m here for you. Spirit just do something through me. But I couldn’t quite get up in a higher level of awareness to hear what any of this was. One morning early before I was quite awake yet, I kept hearing this voice inside of my head, “Source code, source code, source code, source code, source code.” Over and over. “Source code.” I didn’t know what it meant. I wanted it to leave me alone, go back to sleep, and it kept coming about two, three days.

Janette: And finally I did what anybody else would do because I didn’t know exactly what that meant. Like computer, I knew I had to do something with that. And so I did what any of us do, I googled it, right? Like what is it? Okay. So Wikipedia said, here’s some truth. In computing, source code is any collection of computer instructions written using a human readable programming language. Source code may be interpreted and thus immediately executed. Source Code can be interpreted and immediately executed. And I began to know that source code was referring to the words I am. The words I am. And I’d been a student of I am discourses. Thank you Wayne Dyer for bringing it out into the public arena. It was channeled 1932 and all about this, I am presence. And it was saying to me that I am is a source code. In other words, we are living out of this old computer program called the reptilian brain and we need an upgrade.

Janette: We are living in spirit, beautiful, gorgeous, unlimited oneness spirit is operating through this body, mind system. And we are here as human beings in this reptilian brain, which is causing and is operating automatically all the time. And sometimes it’s difficult for this infinite spirit to move through this reptilian brain. And so what this, I see this whole awakening thing is taking place is we’re having a physiological … we must have a physiological evolution of the body, mind system in order to be able to access experience and translate that higher dimension into this dimension. We’re moving from this three dimensional being where this world, this reality that we can see out here is all there is, and we are up leveling and need a new operating system to up level, to be able to see and to experience and to express from a higher level. Because we’re multidimensional beings trying to live in this little 3D body. So this is happening. This is good news, right? This is good news. Now, through this period, I had the infinite blessing to be able to start teaching meditation in mental health in psychiatric offices.

Janette: And now my students became people just like you and me by the way, that were having a little bit of trouble with anxiousness and depression. And guess what? That is the collective experience, because all this energy is coming in and this reptilian brain is going on over. It’s just going nuts. And what happens is that, that brain system is fear based. It was not meant to keep you happy.

Audience: That’s right.

Janette: It was meant to keep the species alive, and it’s very, very fear based. Oh, I love this. I found this quote, sorry guys. It’s not even the one I gave him in advance. Michael Singer from the Surrender Experiment, he says, “I was gradually learning that life was not as fragile as the voice in my head would believe. The voice in the head is constantly saying, “Watch out, be afraid. Watch out, be afraid. Don’t do, don’t do, don’t do. Act. Stay small.” And then I love what he says. “Was it possible life had more to give us than we could ever take for ourselves?” So understanding this reptilian brain and understanding the science, the same thing and just working with someone that’s really suffering with depression and anxiety, to learn one thing. Here, the surface mind, 50 to 70 freaking thoughts a day, 95% of those thoughts, something you had yesterday. It is a condition. It is a program. It is happening automatically. It is not who you are.

Janette: And if by some beautiful act of grace and practice, we haven’t experienced where we’re no longer those thinking thoughts, and we can step back and see.

Audience: That’s right.

Janette: And see those thoughts happen, we are no longer imprisoned by the old brain. That if we could learn to breathe, to bring our attention deeply into the present moment, we instantly move behind this. One of the students in my class had came to it for anxiety. She said she’d been anxious all her life. The constant thought in her head was something bad is going to happen. She had a good life, but she had a little bit of a crisis. And of course when you have a crisis of transition, all of it comes to the surface magnified, which took her in for help. And she just kept showing up every week and learning to breathe and to step back and to watch and to realize that’s just a silly mind, silly mind. Who is the one that can see the silly mind? I am.

Janette: And she began to see. And just last week it was such a beautiful experience. She said, “I used to be lost in anxiousness. My entire life has been anxiousness.” And she says, “Now I see my anxious mind as separate from me, and I experienced peace for no reason.” I’m like, “You’re waking up.” That’s what this is. That’s what this thing is, is we’re waking up. And so in that moment I am is your source code. I am the utterance of I am and all that it represents as the observer, the truth of who we are, our own I am, our own share of infinite wisdom that every utterance of it is writing the new brain, is writing the new program, is downloading the new software. Is the new source code that is immediately executed upon. It’s readable, interpretable and operating on.

Janette: So that became a lifeline to me and still is and what that interior teacher inside of me began to couple gorgeously and inform me off, was taking a present breath with I am. I on the in breath and on the out breath. I on the in breath, and on the out breath, to pull awareness into my line that we are absolutely energetically connected to our multidimensional self. That everything we need for this place, so that we one by one start shifting this body, mind system to be able to hold awareness, to be able to go into the present moment. Because every time we go into the present moment, we can hook up with this energetic line that enables this piece and this presence to be there. That would become a stronger magnetic influence in the world right now. Be able to hold that. Imagine that you are like a house, a four story house, and your first two floors are operating out of the old brain, okay?

Janette: We know what it’s like. First floor is you in your flight mode. You’re running isolated, triggered, not safe enough, not loved enough, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it’s your first floor, okay? It’s just a part. It’s there. And then the second floor, more your power center. This is the place where you are going to fight. It’s that strong egoic need to be right and fight and be there. So this is the human reptilian brain, always here. And as we awaken to higher energies and as we meditate, as we’re mindful, the brain’s changing. Period. I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re going to have to meditate. You’re just going to have to do it because otherwise that brain is just isn’t going to do what it does, and it’s until it gets so bad you can’t stand it anymore. And then of course you’ll come right, okay, and take a breath and come to this moment.

Janette: And what happens is your frontal lobe is changing. If you want to experience oneness, you got to go to the frontal lobe. The frontal lobe is evolving and shifting, and they got all kinds of scientific evidence that the meditators have a different frontal lobe. So the frontal lobe is evolving through our meditation practice, through our capacity to be in the present moment, and our capacity to separate from the busy mind as it is not in us. So in the third floor, you’re third floor, I call it the penthouse. I love the penthouse. Because the penthouse is where we … because we love the penthouse, let’s just say we do. That’s what we’re in floor, and we’re doing our thing and whatever that is, and we have access to higher mind, access to higher ideas, access to creativity. The fourth floor is the observatory.

Janette: The fourth floor is your observatory. Lights are always on upstairs. Okay. This is like you can say my I am presence is roaming the halls, right? You don’t need to do anything to make sure that the presence up there is roaming the halls. The presence is roaming the halls, but we just have to start seeing when we’re downstairs that, that’s not the totality. And in order to get up to the fourth floor or have one of your little bit of your awareness in the fourth floor to live on the third floor in everyday life, is to get in your elevator. So your elevator could be like your present breath. When we take the present breath and get into … I call it my I am line, I take a present breath, I am in the breath. I am on the out breath. I mean it doesn’t take much for a couple of those, and you step into the middle of who you really are. I am. I am.

Janette: Something wakes up. I am presence up here goes, “Hail yes, you are. Common on baby. Common on. Common on upstairs with me. I’m right here waiting for you. I’m here. I’m here. I’m here.” And even if you put some awareness, I am that I am. Even say the words, you don’t even have to feel it. You say, “I am. I am. I am.” I mean I got that where it was just running in my head all the time. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. But you can’t just say that a few times but then increasing you fill it and then even on the fourth floor you can see yourself down there in the basement. You can see yourself, but if you’ve got some awareness, and capacity to see yourself, you’re not lost there. I remember, I forget. I remember, I forget, we’re in this together. Everybody remembers and everybody forgets and that’s okay. Because we are in a chemicalization process.

Janette: And it’s just like when the little child comes to you and is crying and upset, we don’t hit them and tell them to go away. That doesn’t help. When we’re in the middle of that process, it’s like that little child of us is saying, “Ehhhh.” And they want two things. They want to be loved and feel safe. So we embrace ourself in every aspect of this journey and bring greater love to all parts of that experience. And in the doing of that, whatever we resist, persists, whatever we embrace and embracing it all. We step upstairs and can see. So this practice is just something I wanted to bring to you from my heart. One little thing to take a present breath and say I am. As I finish up, how many of you saw Apollo 13? It’s a long time ago. Tom Hanks, he was lost a minute. Let me give you this story. Right they’re on a space mission. And there’s a point in that where everything breaks and everything’s going wrong, and it’s a major disaster, and the alarms are sounding. Every alarm is sounding, “Watch out, watch out.” Everything is completely broken.

Janette: And Tom Hanks character does something incredible and he says, “Turn off those alarms.” That’s our freaking mind, man. It’s constantly one big alarm, turn it off. And he said this, “Let’s see what we do have.” And it got silent and in the silence they were able to see what they did have. And they noticed that there was a very small window. There was a very small window and if they positioned the ship where the small window could keep the earth in view, that they could make it home because they didn’t have a navigation system anymore. And some of us, it’s feels like we don’t have a navigation system anymore. I used to feel, “Oh, I know what to do all the time.” All that started to shift when the heat got turned up. Which required me to turn up the heat to match it, to tune in to that navigation system. More silence. And in that it’s like he said, “Just make the main thing the main thing. Forget everything else. Make the main thing the main thing. And keep your eye on home. Keep your eye on home.”

Janette: One thing that’s helped me. Just one thing, it’s all I could hold onto was I am. Because I could remember that. I can take a breath. I am. Just one thing. And I am is our home. Keep our eye on our home and that enables us to remember our home and let our home inform us of every step. And I promise you it’s not going to come with the big plan. It’s going to come present moment by present moment, by present moment. So that we can learn to release all responsibility that we have given to other people, other resources or anything external that we can learn. Go home and access your source, your support, your love, your everything. Source it in your line. I am, that I am. And so it is.